I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Morning my dudes.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment