Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
You Might Also Like
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.