The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful