A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My current situation
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
it was love at first sight
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper