It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Breaking news:
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.