I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Phonetics
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Grandmother clock.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them