ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.