Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.