I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
hey, alexa
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
this isn’t threatening at all
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.