Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same