Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
seems fine
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog