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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Education is vital
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
#ParentingFacts
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks