Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!