I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Sign at work today
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go