If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Muppet Screams
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman