Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Dolls on drugs
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch