Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.