Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.