Kermit goes Blue.
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
🏙👨🏼
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
For those that worship cheese..
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection