What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Employees must applaud the planets.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks