Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Story of my life…..
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?