I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Bootstraps
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no