Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
whatcha thinkin bout
Siri, fight Alexa.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.