Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.