Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning