Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.