Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]