*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*