[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”