mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I think my mom just blocked me
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend