Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Banking tips
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!