Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”