Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!