Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.