I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
This could’ve been an email.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”