What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees