Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?