I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know