I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
me: my friends:
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
This sounds bad:
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music