All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Namaste
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away