I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!