I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
🍞🦆
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.