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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go