Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
and now we wait
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S