[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…