PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?