“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”