{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.