*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
lol
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
That time Alicia messaged me
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
got so much cardio in today