72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks